You don’t even need Photoshop to gain some social cred…
Cue WTF comments from my bros in the background hahaha š
Category: Love
- Intimacy issues andĀ . I have trouble trusting people and getting close to them until they’ve been around me for a while. Most people don’t spend enough time in my life for me to start to see them as a real person.
- High standards. I may be sad and lonely, but at least I’m not desperate. I want to date someone who’s kind, attractive,Ā andbrilliant. Anything less than this would disappoint me.
- Self-esteem issues. I want to be the perfect boyfriend. I want to be stable and reliable. I want to be a good provider, a pillar of strength, who gives things out instead of taking them. I’m none of these things, and it bothers me. I don’t likely doing anything halfway. I can get jealous when people are successful. I constantly feel like I’m unattractive and I’m not living up to my potential.
- Social incompetence. I’m not the most socially intuitive person. I focus on details instead of seeing the big picture. That is, I try to berightĀ sometimes when I should just beĀ there. Moreover, I want to be loyal, but I’m constantly moving through a world of mixed signals, or at least signals that are below my threshold of sensitivity. I’m not certain what it means when people want to hang out with me. As a result, I’m not sure what my obligations are at any particular moment. When I give mixed signals, it’s because I’m sensing mixed signals, and rather than shut down altogether, or risk humiliating myself by asking, I just try to split the difference and put off actually figuring it all out until later.
- Obliviousness and distractability. Want someone to focus just on you and cater to you like you’re the center of the universe? That’s not me. No matter how good things gets, I’m always thinking about something else. The ceiling could fall in right next to me, and I wouldn’t notice because I’d be too busy staring off into space, thinking about something else (verb conjugation or noun categories of a language spoken deep in a jungle somewhere, probably). Unlike most people, it takes me a lot of effortĀ notĀ to concentrate on something, but what I’m concentrating on is rarely what I’m actually supposed to be focused on.
- Awkward romance. What’s worse than not being romantic? Trying to be romantic and being bad at it. Approaching every date like that episode of Community where Abed tries to recreate My Dinner with Andre. Think back to the last romcom you watched and just think how badly things could have gone if someone had completely misread the situation. Imagine wanting very badly to fall in love and feel passionately about something and being utterly incompetent at it. How do those people in the movies do it? How do they seem to read each other’s minds? I don’t know. I’ve discovered it’s pointless to try to apply the narrative structure of a romantic comedy to real life.
- Poverty and lack of ambition. I’m the furthest thing from a yuppie. I don’t make a lot of money. I’ve never in my life made enough money to file for taxes. I sort of bum around. Most of what I’ve done have been non-jobs, just sort of dipping my toe into the economy on the gig-side. Although I’m nearly thirty, right now I’m teaching English overseas for the second time, a stereotypical gap year career move if ever there was one. If you have a plan for your life, I probably don’t fit on it. If you want long term earning potential, something to pay the mortgage on your cottage in the countryside and food and clothes for your two and a half children, or support you in the lifestyle to which you’re accustomed, tipping baristas $25 a pop, or even just paying the cover charge at that trendy club located down an alley in some famous city where the fog and the sky scrapers conspire to hide the sun from you, don’t be fooled. It’s not me.
- Effeteness. In general I’m not very manly. I don’t watch sports or drink beer or pick up women in bars. I brag, sometimes. Not very convincingly and not often, but sometimes. Although I can reach things on the top shelf and open pickle jars, I’m bad at lifting heavy objects and anything relating to cars. I don’t play as female characters online or anything, but I do regularly watch, read, and otherwise consume media with female protagonists.
- Melancholy. A lot of what’s wrong with me could be forgiven if I were vivacious and uplifting. But I’m not. I’m not the sort of person you want around you to cheer you up. I can be charming. I can be funny, when I need to. But it’s draining. It’s not that I’m an introvert who’s drained by being around people in general. I’m drained by trying to do anything. As they said in Office Space, It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that I just don’t care. Most of the time it’s pretty dark in the mind, and the stuff that other people find so inspiring or meaningful, especially the New Age-y stuff like the Secret or Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot, just bore me.
- Incorrigibility. I don’t take criticism well, and I don’t easily learn from my mistakes. I have to make a mistake at least twice before I learn from it, and trying to steer me from my course can be like talking to a brick wall. It’s not that I’m that stubborn or that convinced of my own righteousness. I’m just that cut off. I hear people, but I don’t understand, or I analyze what they say on a shallow level without taking any lessons from it.
Categories
Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz
Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. Itās something that happens instantaneously. It causes swirling like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin. Have you ever felt this way about someone? If you have to think about it, you have not felt it. Everyone does eventually, you just never know when or where.
Ā
The Quiet World
In an effort to get people to look
into each otherās eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.
Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.
When she doesnāt respond,
I know sheās used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
Jeffrey McDaniel
What a poignant, surreal,Ā trenchant poem!Ā I shall append some music to this post! Irony š
Icona Pop - I Love It
Boy, am I really bad at this.
So it was April Fools’ and I received a bland message on OKCupid that isĀ Hello (:Ā After reading her profile, I thought that we might click and promptly forgave her so not well-thought-out message. I guess you can say she got me at Hello.
Long story short, we met at 7,30 at CWP Macs with me acting like a total dork, blaming the bright spotlight above me for my inability to carry a conversation. LOL. After some incoherent gestures, I sort of calmed down but was still jittery and loathe to open up. Worse, a miscom meant that we were supposed to catch the 7,40 movie instead of the 9,40 one but I was late. I really spent 25 min gulfing down my food, bathing and changing. Sucks ttm and bad impression. :
The headache part is the 1.5 hours waiting time while waiting for the movie. We dawdled around the mall before heading to Starbucks and chatting cordially.
Warm Bodies was a pretty funny, feel-good zombie rom-com and the actor playing R is drop-dead gorgeous haha. Both of us had a sudden revelation that R = Rome(o) and Julie = Juliet lol. Score. And I remembered she likes salty popcorn. Score again.
The movie ended around 11.10 and I walked her to her house andĀ almostĀ wanted to come in her house. Luckily I didn’t cos her mum came in 5 minutes later and an encounter with her would make for awkward conversation with both daughter and stranger.
Let’s hope today I can somehow carry myself better on my second date! ><
Looking back at the first 3 months of year, I can’t help but feel that this period counts as one of the most challenging and contemplative. I was way down in the dumps in January, felt better but still pained in February and miraculously, so very happy in mid-March. It was a time where I really struggled with my emotions and read stuff like this. I never thought I would need this so much, as well as some words of comfort from friends. It was a time when I cried more than what I ever had in the past few years. And I’m still doing so, unbelievably, typing these few sentences.Ā I need a warm embrace.
Let’s get this over and done with.
Alex Goot, Kurt Schneider and Chrissy Costanza - Beauty and a Beat
Money
I can’t help but talk about money first cos it’s the easiest thing to check off. I guess the least I can say is that things are looking not too shabby in terms of finances though there is a need to rein in my spending even further. Last year saw me impulsively buying an iPad, lots of stuff from Amazon and online stores and other junk now collecting dust in my cupboard.
As for monetary inflow, it is the same I guess. No more army pay but drawing internship allowance which is slightly better. I also offloaded 1000 shares of IHH at 1.39 (now 1.405) and 1000 shares of AscendasHT at 0.92 (now 1.o3) while buying 3000 shares of MapletreeGCC at 0.93 (now 1.04) in their IPO.
Forex trading activity was zilch but I am looking to trade actively again.
Future
This was supposed to be titled Career but that was too narrow. Future is so broad. Ahh well. I ORDed in March and am now working at CSIT doing security vulnerabilities research on web applications. I managed to tamper to a certain extent one of the largest e-commerce sites in Singapore. I am currently dabbling in quite serious stuff here, so I shall tread lightly.
End March was a week of disappointment and regret. Disappointment after being rejected by so many colleges; regret for not applying to the easier schools. And to think there are still people who are tearing their hairs out over which school to eventually go to. It’s nice to know that my path is set in stone so easily. Somehow.
Wellness
’nuff said. I’m trying my best. Just don’t say my best isn’t enough.
Love
I wish I could be more definite about the way I feel about her. It is this strange DMZ between lover and friend. I don’t regard her as a potential girlfriend/partner/wife, but at the same time I sometimes regard my want to just spend time with her, seeing her smile and hearing her chirpy voice as something other than platonic.
And it is terribly, terribly confusing.
I really need a heart-to-heart talk with her – something that I had chosen to chuck in the drawer during our past 2 dates for fear of hurting myself again.Ā Stay close, don’t go.
Random
I think the next few months would be quite remarkable as I get my mind off love and on to serious, quite fun projects that I hope will be successful. And make my mark on the world woot!
HappyĀ Easter.
- Every time someone mentions their name ā even if you have no idea what they are talking about ā your ears perk up and you immediately tune out whoever youāre listening to to eavesdrop on that conversation.
You have, at least once, wrote your name out as it would look if you were married. You were then overwhelmed with shame, and destroyed all evidence.- Any time you go out with someone else on a date or to a social event, you canāt stop thinking about how much better it would be if you were there with your crush.
- Literally everything they do is attractive, and interested, and makes you like them more. They could probably commit first degree murder and you would forgive them after a few minutes of serious reflection.
- You are constantly tortured with the uncertainty over whether or not they ever think of you, and are pretty certain they are not even aware of your existence.
You have saved a few choice photos off of their Facebook forā¦ research purposes.- All of your friends roll their eyes
and sigh semi-audiblywhen they hear that you are bringing up your crush yet again. People have begun starting their conversations with you by stating āNo, I havenāt seen or spoken to them since we last saw each other,ā just to get it out of the way.- You have managed to discover their old MySpace and Photobucket from highly-focused search engine creeping.
- You start to see every couple in TV, movies, or books as being a thinly-veiled representation of the two of you. Everyone from Romeo and Juliet to Noah and Allie to Lady and The Tramp are versions of yourselves.
- Every song reminds you of them somehow, even songs that have absolutely nothing to do with love or dating.
- You have said their name aloud during masturbation at least once, likely several dozen times. Okay, several dozen. Ish.
- People know not to ask you if youāre seeing anyone because the response is only going to be a deep spiral of depression and longing which ends with taking shots of whipped cream out of the can while crying.
- You alternate between daydreaming about how lovely the world is and how many amazing things could happen to you when you least expect it, and berating yourself over being such a failure in a world that was already ugly and painful to begin with.
- You spend several hours extra getting ready ā possibly even buying new clothes ā when you know that there is a chance you might see them tonight.
- When you end up not seeing them, you contemplate suicide.
- There is no length you wonāt go to to āaccidentallyā run into them, even taking a route which is nearly an hour out of your way to arrive somewhere at the same time.
- You canāt focus on work, friends, or remembering to eat regularly.
Your friends have begun keeping you away from situations that involve large quantities of alcohol, because theyāre tired of dealing with your tearful monologues when you have a little too much to rink.
Spot on. Nice post, Charlotte Green from TC.
An aside: A new cute theme for rest of the year (I hope!) with atypical allusions to the gluttony in me. It’s a slow day at work today. :
Ugh. Yesterday’s amazing culinary experience has certainly gotten into me. I spent the better part of the hours pre-lunch (in work, I believe that a typical work day has 3 periods – prelunch, lunch and postlunch.)
Prelunch – conversing with people in the same room any interesting stuff that happened from previous-end-of-work-day till then, Facebook, 9gag, some surreptitious Wikipedia surfing and as lunch draws closer, decisions on where to eat
Lunch – ’nuff said. Minimum 2 hours.
Postlunch – waltz in to Ā air-con room so full that brain and eye shut down, wake up to see time, check 9gag for new posts, more surfing, do a little bit of what-I-am-paid-to-do
Oooh it’s 5pm already?
I jest. But I spent 1 hour talking to the only person in the room that has a remote interest in sth other than math and crypto (sigh) about fine dining and cheap food places. so here goes – Salt Grill and Sky Bar, PS Cafe, La Nonna. Introduced her to SAVOUR and il Lido and she seems pretty piqued by the food fair. I guess that’s what you get when you draw a regular pay.
Categories
How to Make My Day
Hans Zimmer - Time
It feels wonderful to chat with the girl you loved and sort of lost. So much so that I want to cancel off March on my calendar and scribble Happiness.
The Month of Happiness.
Contrast that to the previous month when she seemed so distant and aloof … and I stopped trying too hard after some time sighhh
š All is well methinks š
I have attached a song so good that it makes shitting epic.
And a reallyy random conundrum I experience in every meeting during army ><
I have this theory that the more important and intimate the emotion, the fewer the words are required to express it. For instance, in dating-
āWill you go out with me?ā Six words.
āI think I care for you.ā Five words.
āYou matter to me.ā Four words.
āI love you.ā Three words.
āMarry me.ā Two words.
So whatās left? Whatās the most important and intimate word you can ever say to somebody?
Itās āgoodbye.ā
ā J. Michael Straczynski
