Comic Relief Oh Shit!

The NTUC Fiasco

My wife always insists I accompany her on her trips to NTUC. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my wife received the following letter from the local NTUC Fairprice:

Dear Mrs. xxxxxxxx,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Lim , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code Yellow in Houseware section. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ SCDF was called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’

One of the clerks passed out.

Comic Relief Fun

14 Ways an Economist Says I Love You

Give your loved one a nerdy Valentine and they’ll be yours forever! Why? Because if you give them diamonds/cufflinks this year, anything you get them next year will fall short. Give them one of these and anything they receive next year will be a step up. It’s called expectation management and is the key to a long and happy relationship. On that dismal note, Happy Valentine’s Day!

Reposted from

Comic Relief Fun

Artificial Autoresponders

If you’re reading this it means the worst has finally happened.

“The worst” is probably one of the following:

• I’ve died in a horrible accident.
• I’ve died in a happy accident.
• I didn’t actually die but couldn’t write this month’s newsletter in time to prevent this automatically-sent message from going out.
• I’m stuck in the bathroom – please somebody come help me.

Regardless of the reason, the show must go on! And I’m going to use the power of technology to customize this message just for you! I’m pretty sure I know how to do it right, so let’s get to it, FIRST_NAME!

I hope you’re enjoying your CURRENT_MONTH_NAME and that you’re getting along well with your family, friends, and acquaintances. I don’t know about you, but I sure am happy to put PREVIOUS_MONTH_NAME behind me and move on to greater and better things. MOTIVATIONAL_MESSAGE, as they say!

I know we only met on CUSTOMER_START_DATE, but in the time that we’ve known each other I feel like you and DreamHost have really clicked! In fact I’ve never seen a CUSTOMER_GENDER and an Internet company hit it off so swimmingly. It’s a little creepy.

Remember that time when you set up CUSTOMER_FIRST_DOMAIN? That was really something – you made it look so easy and effortless! You only contacted tech support NEW_CUSTOMER_GRIPE_METRIC times in that first magical week, and we were so proud!

I’ve actually been meaning to ask you… Do you still live at CUSTOMER_ADDRESS_LINE1? I thought I might stop by for a while. Just to hang out…ya’ know, nothing fancy. Maybe tomorrow?

I think we have a lot to talk about, you and I! I have a strong feeling that we could even be best friends. In fact I’ve been doing some research on my own time to get to know you better, FIRST_NAME!

“CUSTOMER_SECURITY_QUESTION?” Oh, that’s an easy one! CUSTOMER_SECURITY_ANSWER! I love that about you.

And who could forget *these* shenanigans: FIRST_GOOGLE_RESULT_FOR_CUSTOMER_NAME

You’re such a crack-up, FIRST_NAME!

So yeah, if you could just have some fresh-from-the-oven chocolate chip cookies ready when I get there around 2pm, I’ll even let you try on the sweater I made out of things I found in your trash…Ha ha! Did I say found in your trash? I meant bought with cash! Talk about your crazy typos! That was a doozy, eh? Eh heh…eh…

Anyway, see you tomorrow!

Just kidding! I’m probably dead, remember?

Comic Relief

Road Rage

Road Rage from Nick Khoo on Vimeo.

Army Comic Relief

Goh Si Yuan’s Parting Words to Alpha COY

Something I find amiss, which perhaps only affects me, but still I find necessary to speak out, is the unfair and inconsistent system sometimes.

I believe, without going into details, that actions dealt should be consistent, and when anyone else meets the same criteria for such action, it should be taken against them. Also, punishment dealt should be proportional to the offence committed, and not have a whole bunch of cadets dumped wholesale into the same pile, creating a mixpot of those with severe disciplinary issue with those wrongly accused.

Also, hearsay and vile words should only be taken with factual evidence, and drag an innocent man into a kangaroo court. It is akin to having the judge coming into proceedings already finding the plaintiff guilty, and desperately try to find evidence to charge him with. It is a system I wouldn’t be surprised to find in China or Russia.

Dishing out action without even affirming or finding any proof is something I am dissatisfied about as welll.

To conclude, such event has made me very disillusioned and stained an otherwise excellent learning time in Alpha, and has challenged my preconception that there was a hint of fairness within the command team.

Cheers for reading.

Last Modified 23/08/2011 11:18 PM by Goh Si Yuan

Comic Relief

The Bra-Burning RGS Girl

Reposted from the Students’ Sketchpad
The Feminazic RGS Girl! - Equal rights 4 all - Dishwashing = Enslavement - Elitist? You Betcha!
I'm disraught over the male dominace of male society today! - MALES enslave us in sorts of ways by denying our rightful leadership positions in society! - *Based on a true story - Mind using my umbrella fellow student? - What? NO!
You think you can use the umbrella of enslavement on ME? I'm a strong modern Asiantic woman of today's enlightened society! - RAAAHH! - Siao Lang ah!
Hi. I'm from the boy scouts. Mind if I help? You can sign my good deed week card. - *Based on another true story - Ma'am?
Boy scouts? - Boys? Boys? BOYS? - Infantile little chauvanist! I will not let you satisfy your sick fetish of carrying my stuff! MCP! Male domination ends HERE!
NOOoooooo... - RAHH! - RAAHH! - Drive buddy drive!
Today we have gathered here to BURN BRAS! - Burn 'Em. - YEA! - *This was an legendary trend in the 60s' of America - Dump those bras into the flames! Say goodbye to the contraptions of male design!
Pile of bras - WooHoo - Brun em' all! I shall burn all my bras today! Women shall stand tall and proud today! It shall echo in the annals of history! - Yeah!
Hurrah! - This is a touching moment...
Horde of horny guys - Hey, check it out, a bunch of chicks totally ain't wearing bras, I can like totally see through everything! - What? Where? Who? OMG! OMG! Must see!
Wow, Wow, WOW! - Yeow...ROCKS!! Totally awesome! (nose-bleeds) - I must be dreamin...! - Hey RI, stop mugging, check IT out! - I've burnt all my bras...I have nothing on... - *Wolf Whistle* Sasssssy!
End already! What are YOU looking at?

Comic Relief Random School

The Evil SCGS Girl

Dedicated to a certain person… You know who 🙂


I am the evil SCGS GIRL!
BEHOLD! My ability to attract ACS boys! - Sing ACS 4eva more...Sing ACS 4eva...
I really luv money... - Mr. Monopoly - Man...She's hot.
Alright Evil SCGS Girl, I am pissed with you! - Why...You break my heart.
I spent all my money on Gucci, Ipods and LV, and you still say that I am not your type. - I'm HURT...
Ever since I was a child...I had my material needs not met. They OUTCASTED me and made fun of me when I didn't have...a barbie doll... - Now, all I want is you to DO EVERYTHING I say!
But said...Well...There is only one way...We have to break up... - Boo Hoo...
I'm sorry...I can't afford you...We will have to part...I dump you. - WHAT? NOOOOOO!
This has never happened before! - You...You...DIE...
Diablo - Kawaii - Hiroshima 1945 - A Pretty Flower!
You don't want to mess with me... - AC Rugger - RJ Swimmer - DragonBall
Armies of Darkness - Sauron is my master, she is my girlfriend. - You are dead - Oh F***.
That's how I got over him...Sigh...I do love him so.