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Life Love

Prelude

I was looking forward the whole week to meeting her today. Which became a non-event due to circumstances beyond her control. I feel so disappointed that I have to wait another week to be able to see her again. That’s 3 weeks by then.

And that day is still fresh in my mind.

It is kinda ironic that I’m telling her to cheer up while I’m here on the train, tears welling up.

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1st work week of the year

It’s good to see familiar faces in camp, though my twin is out of action with teeth removal op so I’m stuck with 1 idiot, 1 slacker and 1 ap.

Why are all our understudies do immature?

I feel kinda sad for N, what with the ToT debacle unfolded and collapsed. T sort of phone jacked N’s phone with the latter’s blessing and he messaged his crush since 2011 that he ‘missed her’. She replied ‘you know, I can actually sense that when we are going out together and knew that you were afraid to express your feelings for me in late 2011 and last year. But I guess I waited too long and I can’t reciprocate your feelings now.’

It must have felt like a knee kick to the groin for N. And no, Lyndon the aforementioned idiot has to rub it in by scolding him ‘you can’t carry this so pussy, no wonder someone don’t love you.’ I almost wanted to drive off without him, leaving him to run back in the fking rain. I guess I was too nice.

Anw, he mentioned that they went out quite a lot of times, including sharing a couple seat at a cinema that she enjoyed. The thing holding him back was that he thought he might already by friend-zoned.

The Friend Zone. Snake oil that this 9gag generation believes too much in. And one that they apply too much to themselves.

And this Lesson in Life and Love #264

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Saturday

Cambridge D Day

That’s Decision Day. But it ended up being Death Day too. Emo the whole Saturday morning, afternoon and evening. Acted like some guy who has lost everything and goes to a pub and drink 10 cartons of beers, gets wasted, finds a hooker, makes out and wakes up the next morning still feeling unsatisfied.

EXCEPT that I just lost an offer but still goes to the fridge and drink 1 tiny bottle of 1664, feel myself burning up, chide myself for doing such a stupid thing then naps for a while, bathes, still feeling fking hot, watches Big Bang Theory, play Battlefield 3 amidst arm spasms, swear at my dog when she came too close for comfort, ignore every message that came through asking how I am, eat a tasteless dinner, checked my phone email and Whatsapp, then go back to sleep.

I think there are lots of subject verb disagreements in the above sentence but I couldn’t care less.

I wake up the next morning, yesterday’s memories shelved.

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On a totally separate note, I am getting better at compartmentalizing my thoughts and memories. It’s a social defence mechanism, albeit short term, which relegates thoughts to a back of your mind, so that it doesn’t unduly affect your life.

I imagine it’s like safe. And inside it are happy and sad thoughts. You place them inside. And close it. You have the combination, you know what’s inside, but you never open it unless you want it to affect you.

Mine was always like a safe that couldn’t close properly. Like when my primary school friend committed suicide 2 years ago. I was a wreck. Suddenly, while walking, thoughts of the time we spent tgt would start flooding my conscience and I would remember myself at Marymount MRT, concealing my sobs. The vivid and amazing RPGs that every guy worth his salt drew out on paper on their tables. How his mum commiserated with my mum on his troubles, which my mum didn’t tell me till then. We spoke little, but it was unspoken that we would be successful together.

You see, I have lost so many of my friends already. Him was one. The second went missing in the middle of sec 2. He disappeared without his parent knowing where he was, and missing till today. The third will never be the same again. Out of IMH and was never the same person. I got to speak to him at 5SIR and he was… Calm. In a way that I fear for his future.

Compartmentalization. It shall be one of my main goals this year.

P/S: 800 words. I sure have lots to say this week.

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