Artificial Autoresponders

If you’re reading this it means the worst has finally happened.

“The worst” is probably one of the following:

• I’ve died in a horrible accident.
• I’ve died in a happy accident.
• I didn’t actually die but couldn’t write this month’s newsletter in time to prevent this automatically-sent message from going out.
• I’m stuck in the bathroom – please somebody come help me.

Regardless of the reason, the show must go on! And I’m going to use the power of technology to customize this message just for you! I’m pretty sure I know how to do it right, so let’s get to it, FIRST_NAME!

I hope you’re enjoying your CURRENT_MONTH_NAME and that you’re getting along well with your family, friends, and acquaintances. I don’t know about you, but I sure am happy to put PREVIOUS_MONTH_NAME behind me and move on to greater and better things. MOTIVATIONAL_MESSAGE, as they say!

I know we only met on CUSTOMER_START_DATE, but in the time that we’ve known each other I feel like you and DreamHost have really clicked! In fact I’ve never seen a CUSTOMER_GENDER and an Internet company hit it off so swimmingly. It’s a little creepy.

Remember that time when you set up CUSTOMER_FIRST_DOMAIN? That was really something – you made it look so easy and effortless! You only contacted tech support NEW_CUSTOMER_GRIPE_METRIC times in that first magical week, and we were so proud!

I’ve actually been meaning to ask you… Do you still live at CUSTOMER_ADDRESS_LINE1? I thought I might stop by for a while. Just to hang out…ya’ know, nothing fancy. Maybe tomorrow?

I think we have a lot to talk about, you and I! I have a strong feeling that we could even be best friends. In fact I’ve been doing some research on my own time to get to know you better, FIRST_NAME!

“CUSTOMER_SECURITY_QUESTION?” Oh, that’s an easy one! CUSTOMER_SECURITY_ANSWER! I love that about you.

And who could forget *these* shenanigans: FIRST_GOOGLE_RESULT_FOR_CUSTOMER_NAME

You’re such a crack-up, FIRST_NAME!

So yeah, if you could just have some fresh-from-the-oven chocolate chip cookies ready when I get there around 2pm, I’ll even let you try on the sweater I made out of things I found in your trash…Ha ha! Did I say found in your trash? I meant bought with cash! Talk about your crazy typos! That was a doozy, eh? Eh heh…eh…

Anyway, see you tomorrow!

Just kidding! I’m probably dead, remember?

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